Album cover All The Hits - James Pants
All The HitsJames Pants6/10

James Pants - All The Hits

19 Jan 2010 macron1

Say what you will about the guy, and we have on frequent numerous occasions, but J. Pants is nothing if not prolific. Whether it be in the field of mediocre albums, or mostly excellent mixtapes, or miscellaneous other trifles (the dude is weird, ok).

The latest in this long line of curios is the "library record" of course, All The Hits. Purportedly, this record came about as the result of someone asking Pants to make some music for commercials. Problem was, Pants had done so in the past for ladies razors, and failed, so this album is for a bunch of stuff that doesn't exist but which might need jingles for ads. And that is what this album is comprised of - short pieces of bits and beats and jingles, none of which clock in at more than a couple of minutes, as you expect for a product jingle - you don't expect "I Feel Like Chicken Tonight" to stretch out to more than a verse.

Some of the potential products that this album could be applied to include: Blankets, Stalagtite (which it is assumed is a cross between a stalagmite and a stalactite), People, Cavern, Heavy [things?], Stone Rock, Lickin' Stick, Crack, and Lust. Then some of the track names are merely verbs describing something that might happen. These include "Noise," "Body Moves" and "Up and Down," while some are descriptions of the tracks themselves, e.g. "Slow Melody" and also "Heavy". Then there is "Ung".

Part of the fun of this album is that you can use your imagination to conjure up products that might fit the tracks. In the case of "Lust" and "Crack," these could make good names for perfumes for example, or alternatively the latter might be applied to the eponymous recreational substance as a catchy tune to help sales to the kids. Obvious ones like "Blankets" need little help from the imagination (blankets!) and might not have been arrived at without the assistance of the track name itself, while "Lickin' Stick" could either be used to market children's candies or marital aides.

Other tracks are a bit more challenging to think of things for: "Bright Lights," "Four Corners" seem more like descriptions. "Noise" and "People" could serve in stock footage or educational movies where the soundtrack calls for noisy things or people. One track where the advertising angle may have been revealed is in "Ung", where Pants can be heard to breathily intone (possibly) "buy the camera" (or maybe "light a candle," or something else). Thus "Ung" might be for buying a camera or lighting a candle. Suffice to say, without these clues, guessing what an "Ung" is might be difficult.

The sound of All The Hits is as you might expect from a Pants original piece - psychedelica (is this a word?)-cum early 1980s european sythpop, mostly of an instrumental bent, some of which sounds as if it would be suited to a 70s TV show intro (e.g. "Crack", "Bright Lights"), and some of which might not sound out of place in a Beastie Boys instrumental collection (e.g. "Slow Melody").

Little more needs to be said about this album, aside from the fact that when you listen to it you barely notice it pass by such is its brevity, which might be surprising for an album of 18 tracks. Then there is the sneaking suspicion that most of what is found on All The Hits is little more than unfinished bits of tracks and discontinued ideas. But that is none of our business, and All The Hits is altogether a piece of interest. Good luck, Mr. Pants.

Sardless Tracks

  • CrackBright Lights=Cavern/|-{|}-
  • Heavy

Track Listing

  1. Blankets
  2. Body Moves
  3. Four Corners
  4. Stalagtite
  5. Noise
  6. People
  7. Heavy
  8. Bright Lights
  9. Ung
  10. Up And Down
  11. Cavern
  12. Stone Rock
  13. Lickin Stick
  14. Neverland
  15. Slow Melody
  16. AFI
  17. Crack
  18. Lust